Chance!!!

Walking away and forgetting you
Choices I made which I cant undo
became too proud,stubborn and cold
You talked, reasoned and cajoled
I didn't listen, made up my mind
Everything you said was declined
You cried, you fought for Us
but, I believed it was bogus
So, I left,I ran away from you
Choices I made which I cant undo


Now years later, when I look back
My decisions, My deeds and setbacks
I don't regret it, but I ache
Because I  made a huge mistake.  
I was impulsive and selfish,
what I did was entirely foolish
I never explained,Why? to you
Choices I made which I cant undo




I didn't explain, I was afraid
that u will laugh at whatever being said
But, I regret,I didn't even try
I didn't give chance to you accept or deny
I played safe, saved my heart
I believed, its best to depart  
didn't take the risk, to ask and tell
thats why,now I live in the hell
I don't want you back
I just want a chance, to tell you
Choices I made which I cant undo

Me

I stopped writing
I really don’t know why
Did I forget to weave words?
Or my emotions went dry?
So, without words I lived for a while
I didn’t liked it, I was sad, mad and rile
I kept on telling myself I can’t write
I left my ink, pen and paper out of sight
For time being I felt fine
I went out for dance and to dine
Yet, there was void in my soul
I was together but not whole
I heard my heart and its simple plea
That something was missing inside me
I looked for an answer or little clue
To find out, what I need to see through
And it suddenly dawn on me
That I have to write , to just be me….

Narcolepsy

Anxiety creeps inside me

 my each bone melts

Something inside me burns

and emptiness welts

my vision blurs and

speech slurs

and I feel Paralyzed

I look for place to

crawl in and shut my thoughts

the world around me

It's too bright and irritates me a lot
Its difficult to breath
suffocation  sweeps through
and I feel Paralyzed   

Daylight strikes in 

yet my eyes want to shut

I want to stay alert

yet there is sleep in my gut

I resist dozing off

as numbness engulfs

and I feel Paralyzed   

 

I feel weary, pale and weak

and fall asleep at vague times

I am perceived as lazy 

   but I am sick and its not a crime  

I feel helpless

as I succumb to sleep

and I feel Void    

 Tanuja Pawar 

Farewell....

Dedicated to someone I know....

 









I cried in the corner, sitting on an old battered bench.
I needed to vent out , my quondam quashed quench....
The tears came with sobs and my body trembled 
I leant against the tattered wall and his name I mumbled...
He just left the world, after fighting with his pain for years

I couldn't do anything yet I kept on holding my tears

and now, I couldn't hold back... the pain I felt within..

so I let out my emotions which were curbed in..

No...I don't want to give him farewell wrapped in tears

But I had to cry so I can survive in coming years
I knew, that he wanted to go...leave this dreadful life
Yet, he waited, for me to overcome my soul's strife...
and... yesterday he cried like a baby and asked me to let him go
I unleashed him from my nestle, I should have done it long ago...
It was not easy for me to ask him to go away....
without him, all alone how can I live a single day...
I gave him life, he is part of me
how can I tell him to go? yet he wanted to be free...
I looked into his eyes...they were so desperate to get some rest...
I realized, letting loose these ties.... is only for his best.
So I yielded to his wishes ....Let him go to sleep...
I came out...sat on the same battered bench...but I couldn't weep...
Now, I am crying away my anguish and let my cheeks drench
I needed to vent out , my quondam quashed quench....
Copyright "Tanuja Pawar"

Another Day

I look out of the window, and see the grey sky
As countless frustrations clouding my core and my throat goes dry
Living with Confusion and chaos, kindles my fears
And my eyes feel sorry, when it slide downs tears
I wipe my tears and try to smile
So what I have problems which are vile
But, still I believe in miracles and god’s mysterious way
And I say to myself! Girl, just give your self another day…


When problems come without giving a sign
And life becomes a riddle, and I want to whine
No one to talk to and no one to lean on,
Just all alone, and everything going wrong
Looking and searching for answers makes me mad
And then I feel really hopeless, sick and sad
But, I don’t know, how? I don’t give up, but I close my hands and pray
And I say to myself! Girl, just give your self another day…


I know one day grey clouds will go and sun will shine
Confusions will disappear and I’ll be fine
Troubles come and go, they never stay forever
I have to deal with them being patient and clever
I must prioritize what I want, what don’t
If I don’t want to do something I have to say “I won’t”
I know that one day; I’ll find my way…
And whenever trouble comes, I will give myself another day….

lonesome Rain

Dedicated to all lonely hearts.....


With the nightfall, the rain came down
I left my base… with dissonance and frown..
I walked few blocks in the rain ….uninterested and ignoring
It was dark, I was drenched and it was pouring……


I was wondering…. about now and then
Walking in the lonesome rain…
The same splatter once made me glad
At the moment, it is black and mad
The driblets of water are whipping me endlessly
At one time it used to smooth out, my stress so effortlessly
Once the rain was magnificent and alive
And today it is cruel and difficult to survive.
I felt, the approaching destruction….As the monsoon was roaring…
It was dark, I was drenched and it was pouring……


Earlier rain was fun,
I never missed warmth of the sun…
I used to go out, for long walks in the woods
I used to sit and stare, naughty waves and their funny moods
I used to paint assorted shades of sky
I used to feel revived and wanted to fly….
And now, rain makes me gloomy and I brood
I stay home and close my windows …. So it won’t intrude…
Sky roars most of the day
And transmits Storms, floods and dismay
Suddenly I was numb…and for me rain was boring
It was dark, I was drenched and it was pouring……


And then….
I saw…. A girl frolicking in the rain
She was as happy as rain, and without single drop of pain
Instantly, I realized…. Rain was not lonely
It was I who was Lonely, unhappy and left out...

I Wish.....

I wish it would go away...the rage inside me....
I am annoyed with my own anger..... and what it makes me...
I feel edgy, I feel mad...I feel alone and I feel sad.....
It makes me so dangerous and vulnrable...
I know, when I am furious I am not at all stable...
I say, bad words and many times I scream
Once I am furious I can go to any extreme
It's my temper, I can't control....
Although, I try with all my heart and soul


but still I know,
I am not bad, cruel or rude
when I am angery it makes me just crude..
I can't control mine heated feelings
may be I am very sloppy with emotional dealings....
I want to control these strong emotions I feel
But binding fury is very hard to deal


It makes me feeble and weak
It makes me beast as they all speak
I live on an edge...from where I will fall anytime
Is getting angry is really a crime?
Its just emotion I feel...When I am threatend by some
It just, just expression, still I can't overcome
But, when I supress my anger.....
then, living volcano inside me.... i hold
boiling with anger and ready to explode...


Oh! I know when I am angry everyone hates me
I know what they feel..I can see..
They think I am inhuman...may be a devil
Does anyone with intense emotion can be civil?

Escape...

I am longing to esacape from the life I live
so, I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live...
without any thought I plunge into my subconscious
and shut.. the door... to the whole world of realities...to just outlive...
so, I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live...





In the sphere of my subconscious
I am the swayer
I am the creater, protector and destroyer...
Here..Everybody obeys me ..dances on my tunes
I am the taskmaster and others are goons..
I am not harsh...till respect I recieve
so, I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live...



I can swim in the river, and breath virgin breeze
I can trail on the mountain, and walk barefeet
I can sleep in the peace, and wake up a new
I can dance in the rain and catch all the drops of dew
So... beautiful my fanatasy is , so, hard to believe
so, I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live...



Here no one can make me cry, or make me small..
I am always smiling and standing above all..
no one to judge me no one to pass comment
I am certain to me everyone is benevolent...
no one to caste me off...no one to cage
so, I live here without fear and rage...
I have learned here to give and Forgive...
so, I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live...


But, Then....
When Sometime I wake up to reality
And I realise that I am living life as if it is just a formality..
No..Its not fault of real and reality
I have woven the fake world..and its a kind of abonormality...
I want to esacap and deny my actual world and where I belong...
I want to elude the the truth...and that's what is wrong...
Though...I know its Superficial what I percieve
But, still " I sleep and dream about..the life I want to live"

stirred and terrified.....

now there is whirlwind in my conscience
those departed sweet and sour memories
are returning... Just like.... life is coming to full circle
I am scared and standing with my all defences....to rebuff those adversaries
who made me feeble in the past...I was broken...
feelings were dead inside me....
I tried to gather pieces of my heart...though it was futile...
Everything was lost....
but still I live with those pitiful moments...
In my heart ...sealed and unspoken...
though once they made me soar in firmament...
and with my next breath I came down on earth...wounded
Just like the bird who's wings are slashed...but still alive
... Empty.. soundless.... and hollow...
I was dead inside..though breathing...and living in torment..
Days were lonely and nights were haunting...
as if I was lost in the dark forest of sorrows....disoriented
afraid of sunshine...as if it will consume me ...
hiding in the closet...as if the stares of people were too intimidating....
I was paranoid .....
but, then time heals all....
like Phoenix .. I took birth from ashes of my past.....
Buried all the feelings...and that consuming pain behind
Mended my broken heart.... with a fence of a secure wall...
and now..everything is coming back with U ...
what I left behind...what I couldn't end...
what I couldn't ignore...what I still feel
those all retentions erupting me and cutting me through..
I thought the wall was potent..U will not get through
But it was crushed with your one glance...
The wall is broken now...and U already pried in...
Now I am not able to snub U....
So, I am wound up....How I will face you?? stirred and terrified.....

Not ethnocentric....

Before I was born... I had no identity
Just a cell in the womb of my mother...with unconditional serenity
I was born with thousand tags.. like caste, culture and creed
I did not choose any of them....and there was no need..

Today After several years...I am learning, for me what they mean...
It's gift of my forefathers...which I had not seen....
Now..It's my duty to protect and preserve their gift
It should neither fade nor it should drift...


I would never abuse anyone for their culture, caste and creed..
I would rather judge each man only on his deed..
I would never ruin others ...when I protect what's mine
If We respect each other..with me thats fine...

But If u try to bully or abuse me or my language or what I am..
I would do the same...cause then I will not give a damn
I will penalize you..no matter who you are
everthing is fair in the Love and the war...

That's why....I call myself warrior.....though you may call me Ethnocentric..
I am bound to protect what is mine....and that is what I seek...

Mirror Image

Yes ! I have personality that splits now and then
It's difficult to find which is me? again and again
who am I ?some times i wonder.....
A rebel inside and outside, A submissive blunder...

They say I have a very expressive face...anyone can read my eyes and tell, what my thoughts embrace...
But they don't know She can pretend so well... My eyes will reveal only what She wants to tell...
But that's not me... playing hide and seek...Its some one else who makes me freak...

She likes extremes and I like balance...
She likes noise and I like silence...
she likes pride and I like humility..
She likes to wander and I like stability

we live within one body... with one mind and with one heart
we are one but so much apart
she hates me when I surrender myself...
she shakes me up and assert herself..

I get irritated when she hurts someone...
why should I justify what she has done?
no matter what........... She is me and I am her
If one of us fade our image will blur....

I know in my heart...she wants to protect me
but she should realise ...now she should set me free..
I want to be alone I want to be "Me"